We go through life perceiving events and objects and are mostly limited by not only our 5 senses, but by the filters we’ve learnt to develop from childhood onwards.
These filters do not always serve us well.
Or to use the words of the Dalai Lama, all has an origination – everything!
I know in my own life when faced with some reactions to my own actions or misadventures, or those of others, I placed a value judgement on them to my own detriment. I failed to give them context!
This old historic Central Otago High Country Rabbiter's hut near Poolburn was someone's home for many summer months each year in the 1940s and onwards for a decade or two. This photo taken close up does not tell us much about it's context in the landscape.
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By contrast this photo gives a very accurate context! We simply had to walk away or stand back to observe this, and our own relationship to three factors: the hut, the sky and the land.
A less outdoors orientated example could be in a marriage or long term relationship – lets call the devoted couple Alice and Bob as we discuss a scenario:
Alice would be suddenly upset over the likes of an action or event in Bob’s life and it actually triggers a unrealised deep rooted anxiety disorder in Alice.
Bob does not know about this anxiety disorder, because he’s been too close for too long maybe. Not even noticing that Alice’s condition was subtly worsening even – he has not developed a context to relate to. He’d considered marriage counseling at times, but thought things had to be really bad before taking this path, but he had got as far as finding out the name of a reputable marriage counselor. At times he’d even asked himself, what is marriage?
For Alice, she’s just being normal within her perceived context – no need in her mind for marriage counseling. But without realising it she may narrow down her world to the point she feels she can function well and cope. The trade off is a diminished sense of awareness and this will show up in her complete disregard of how the consequences of her actions could damage others, especially their children.
All very well, so it’s how it manifests is where the need to understand context really comes into play.
Lets say one of the many possible manifestations is to consistently verbally abuse her partner Bob, so-much-so that he eventually makes a judgement call that Alice not only does not love him, but actually hates him with a vengeance.
In such cases time will often reveal that Bob’s initial assessment was too hasty, shallow, and lacking in observation not so much of the perpetrator Alice, but his own reaction to the abuse!
An abuse that inappropriately expressed concern and love all along! Yet Bob because of it, changes his stance in the relationship, to the extent that the condition that has Alice in it’s grip, be it rooted in a clinical problem or in some sort of childhood abuse, leads to the abused partner Bob pulling away emotionally in self protection mode from her hurtful comments.
A third party, unless emotionally intelligent and wise, could then reinforce Bob’s shallow assessment thus compounding the situation. But Bob the victim [for want of a better word] validates this comment because he feels comforted and understood by being listened to, and agreed with.
It’s hard, but in some cases a true friend would not agree, but rather caution that all incoming information is best filed as provisional until proven otherwise. They maybe seen as the devil’s advocate of course.
Reading self-help books is not usually a profound solution, as the reader just procrastinates rejoicing in self congratulatory ways in the finding of such a good book, rather than taking any [harder] self improving action. They then go onto the next book, and the next etc. They go outwards for a solution, instead of going inwards.
We as a species don’t change our ways easily. Better the pain we know, rather than the unknown!
The best process in my New Zealand way of thinking is to adopt a typically pragmatic and practical “kiwi” approach. First step: realise the limitations in ourselves – that we know very little of ourselves let alone the situation.
For this to happen the ego needs to be disengaged a little. We can do this by accepting there is pain inherent in the situation and accepting that to let ourselves suffer in what maybe our destiny anyway, is our choice. This I find helps us identify the ego.
The trick is to know ourselves, and not get distracted from this by trying to know the exactness of the other person. At a practical level we can’t tell the other person what’s going on either, until they ask and buy into owning their behaviour, but as we begin to know ourselves we change, and as if by magic this changes the other person’s perception.
You could say it’s called unconditional love.
We thus get into an energy exchange, and while being playful with it may seem the last thing you’d want to entertain, doing so brings a lightness which in turn helps the other.
Best closing summation: develop a non reactive demeanour that buys time to reflect, and if appropriate gather more knowledge and use it to filter ongoing/incoming information. Avoid all temptations to finalise an opinion, or to cherish same.
Related topics: general awareness, meditation, yoga, sensitivity, empathy, gratitude, spirituality, patience, forbearance, compassion, awareness of breathing, and all sports and activities that occasionally or otherwise demand 100% concentration and observing self.
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